As Winnie Bluebell is nearly 6 months old I wanted to post about how I've found it all so far. In complete honesty.
The first few weeks were hard, barely any sleep, getting to grips with feeding Winnie myself (even though I'd fed Matilda too, breastfeeding is hard. End of). Then add on top the anxiety thanks to those hormones, I was basically in thick fog again like last time. Thinking it would never end and I would never feel OK. As I'd done this once before, I thought I'd skip by the baby blues doing cartwheels but nothing could stop that ugly beast getting to me. I vividly remember walking along the beach with the two girls and Andrew, sobbing behind my sunglasses. I couldn't tell you why I was crying, I just was. I hate that part about birth, I am usually so in control of my emotions and extremely laid back. That anxiety sends me into turmoil. (Needless to say, Winnie is our last baby)!
Then, about four weeks in, Winnie got colic. Or what I presume to be colic. Quite mild compared to some cases I'd read or heard about, but Jesus Christ, colic is a bitch. Every evening, without fail from 6-10 our little baby would cry and cry and cry. I used to dread evenings so much. Nothing would settle her, we'd be rocking, singing, feeding, winding, swinging, even driving her to McDonalds for a McFlurry didn't work. I was emotionally tired, not just physically. I lost it a few times through complete helplessness, frustrated that we couldn't do anything to help. Anyway, it subsided as soon as I stopped breastfeeding - weird.
What I really struggled with, was having to split myself in two between Matilda and Winnie. I wanted to be the one putting Matilda to bed or give her a bath, but that couldn't always happen if Winnie needed a feed. I remember my Mum saying to me that Winnie needed me too and Matilda was young enough not to be jealous or upset etc. That really helped, Matilda had me all to herself when she was a baby and we could take everything at a snails pace!
Second time around, there is no being lazy. I've got a toddler to run around after, drop her at playschool, take her to ballet class. I'm conscious of saying to Matilda 'shh, Winnie's asleep' or 'oh, be careful because of Winnie' as I don't want Winnie to be the sole reason of me disciplining Matilda, I don't want her to get a complex or whatever. I'm probably thinking too much into that, but there you go. That's what we do as mums isn't it? Overall, Matilda is fantastic with her. And that is what makes it all so worth it, watching Matilda kiss Winnie's feet. Seeing Winnie's little face light up when Matilda is singing and dancing for us all. It's so magical. Not just that we've created two beautiful little girls, but that we've created two sisters, two best friends, a special bond.
I feel like we are really settling in to life as a four, that this is our normal now.
Having two children is hard, it's made us decide that two is enough for us. But even though as a mum you're physically split between the kids, you're heart has absolutely no limit.
Thanks for reading,
Chloe x
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