Reflection

I wrote on this blog, almost a year ago to the day, that I would spend more time on this blog.
Yeah, it didn't happen. I wanted to, but holy mother of God life is so busy. I went back to work, Matilda's hours at playschool increased, the Husband was studying and taking exams, I made 4 trips abroad...it was exhausting.

That doesn't scratch the surface really on what we achieved last year. And when I look back, I absolutely LOVED 2018.

But looking towards 2019, and more specifically, the next few weeks, I feel a bit anxious about the return of the routine. I have taken on an extra day at work, this means more organising of my shit and less time with my children. trying to justify my decision to my own conscience is actually really hard. Why have I done it?

Other people have actually asked me this as well. Why am I working more?

What annoys me about all of it when I really think about being asked this - why do I have to justify this to anyone else? Why is it totally acceptable for the male half of a parenting couple to return to work full time yet if a mother wants to return to a job that she loves - God forbid it should be for more than 3 days a week! Why does society struggle with female equality in the workplace overall.
I saw a post on facebook about how we, as working mothers, are expected to give 110% in the 9-5 and also 110% at home.

I feel that pressure, anyone else with me? That constant gut feeling that lays half asleep in your tummy, always there telling you that you left a load of washing in the machine. Reminding you that you haven't cleaned the bathroom properly for a few weeks and that using anti-bac wipes doesn't really count as cleaning. Making you feel guilty for crashing out on the sofa at 9pm when you could be ironing...it just goes on and on.

My organisation has always been questionable. I am never fully 'on-top' of everything, I don't have it all under control. But that's fine.

I think what I am trying to say here, in what is a rambling, weird jumble of a post, is that being YOU is absolutely OK. You don't have to be better than the you that you were the year before...why are we ashamed to like the person that we are?

Don't make resolutions if you're the kind of person that won't stick to them (I clearly fall into this category) You're setting yourself up for disappointment.

I am heading into my final 6 months of my 20's and I think I am finally starting to know who I really am. Instead of thinking of all the things you are not, think of all the things that you are <3

I will try to write more rambling posts this year, I find writing so theraputic and some stuff just isn't for insta-stories. Although, you will find me rambling a lot on there too!

Happy New Year folks

Chloe x